So once again I proved that my motto is right: I only regret what I don't do. KC was in my bed last night and I couldn't do it; as with L I froze and pushed him off me. I fantasized about him for so long yet he left me cold; why is this? I really fancied L yet couldn't bear to think of him on top of me; sex with I and KG did nothing for me either. Is it all because of K? Is he the only man that will ever satisfy me? I feel so empty and sick because he hasn't text me back and there's this weird sense of deja vu where I keep thinking of all the others that I've had or nearly had since K. I will have to delete his phone number. I spoke about suicide and manic depression and pray he has forgotten it. He told me to call me if ever I need someone yet he won't text me back. He's such a darling and one day will be prime minister and is probably the kind of man I should marry. But "I hope this won't be awkward in production week." I feel utterly manic and want to be rid of it. I can't function and know I won't be able to until he gets in touch. Conclusion: men are quite literally bad for my health.

Does the fact that I'm writing again, mean that I've fucked up again? He's back in my life, back in my head, a full-time presence once more. Conclusion: I'm back where I began.

Monsters

I am hiding scared on the other side of the room because I saw S and she saw what I was wearing and then I kept seeing her out of the corner of my eye, looking at me.My thoughts are racing with what could happen, the hole's gone but the stitching's clearly visible. At least I have T on my side.
This has ruined for me the wonder highs of last night which I wanted to share. It was not having to watch support bands and Fireworks and feeling the light and the happiness wash over me and drenched in layers of sound. He held me and we danced and and i can't lift you up, my mind is tired sand and beaches that i desire sacred nights where we watch the fireworks drip on some faces but i know I've got you but golden lips and allman vibe make me feel that I'm only all i see sometimes. He let me wear his childhood hat and for a while I felt like less of an annoyance. And little one was there in her winklepickers and I'm looking her up every day now.

My new home.

This is my new home. Here are previous posts so far:

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Today has been fuzzy because as I write my thoughts are simply swirling. Last night he told me that I sound nervous and that made my silly fragile voice even shakier this morning. Whenever I try to speak up my voice catches in my throat as if it's just not meant to happen. Today he said to me, S has those exact same leggings, and for a few horrible seconds I thought he knew because he'd been round there recently. I still can't work out whether people know about me and are just giving me the benefit of the doubt, or is this ridiculous because if they did wouldn't they just openly attack me, they're those kind of girls?
Tonight is going to be trying to dance and not to argue with him and hoping that those girls won't be there and hoping that the little one will be and trying to actually enjoy the music without being bored. That's why I ticked the 'most days' box on that quiz.
Last night we touched and I had to think about whether I actually feel anything but duty anymore.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Sundays

Today has been a blue one, with waking up all headachey because of the tears last night and then the resultant sadness caused by too much to drink and arguments with him and the dark thoughts. I did it again last night, hysterical because he thinks that I don't know what I'm saying half the time. The party could've been so perfect, everyone was beautiful and I didn't have to spend the night dreading certain people turning up because I knew they could never be there. Such a feeling of complete freedom. But then he was there and he wasn't even trying to be near me so I went in in in to myself again and all the sparkle faded or more accurately crashed down. Getting up I was so sad and he couldn't help me but got frustrated and even though I knew I was right I had to lie to stop him leaving. Then it was work work pretending to smile and comments like "How can you always be smiling?" which sounds alien when you're dying inside. Then K came and cheered me up with his sheer prettiness and gummy smiles and I gave him some of my lunch and realised again that I could never love him. Tonight amidst the blood and the headaches I will be productive because I know it makes me feel better.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Sick

This is because she won a prize for her words and I feel so sick so green that the dark is coming again and I can't do anything.

Posted by Liss at 08:31 0 comments